Help Wanted: Damsel in Distress

We are recruiting a naïve and innocent Damsel in Distress to be rescued by our protagonist. This is a full-time role with an excellent set of benefits, perfect for a childhood friend or token minor royal seeking more opportunities for pining.

The Damsel will be expected to do the following:

  • Pine for their One True Love
  • Be kidnapped at least once a fortnight
  • Sigh wistfully while staring from the highest window in the tallest tower
  • Swoon
  • Tend to the hero’s wounds (note: no actual medical training is necessary, you will just need to mop their brow with a damp cloth and fret prettily)
  • Be extremely hot

The successful damsel will:

  • Have absolutely no practical skills whatsoever
  • Be kind to small children, old ladies, and all the animals of the forest
  • Always look absolutely immaculate even after being kept in a tower for seven years with no laundry, like seriously how do you DO that
  • Never, ever join in on the fighting
  • Be rendered completely helpless when grabbed by the upper arm by a suitably dastardly villain
  • Go from 0 to “and then they lived happily ever after” within ten seconds of meeting the hero

Note: Any candidates inclined to offer their hands in marriage to the villain in exchange for the hero’s safety should mark this on their applications, which will be reviewed by our Shipping Department.

The successful candidate will be provided with an unnecessarily large wardrobe, a protagonist to marry and/or sacrifice themselves for, and a prison to languish in (but, like, a nice prison. It’ll be a suite of rooms at the palace, don’t worry.) In accordance with the classic tropes, this role comes with a salary that is the equivalent to half your father’s kingdom. Please also note that swooning support staff will be provided, guaranteed to catch you before you hit the floor.

Please note we accept applicants of all genders for this role, as long as they meet our twin standards of uselessness and attractiveness.

How to apply: please send your application via a trusted servant, who will plead for the HR department to rescue you from your plight. Candidates who do not contact the HR department about their application, but instead sit at their windows and sigh about it, will be favourably noted. Please do not contact the HR department about your application personally, as that would display a level of competence which is not appropriate to this role.

– The Trope Recruitment Agency

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